The return of Adam Richman and Texas fatties - Yeehaw!

Last night marked the return of one of my favorite shows on television - Man vs. Food. Sure, it doesn't have the drama of a Grey's Anatomy (gag), the perilously twisting plot of LOST (boner) or Carlos Mencia (dead), but what it does have is hearty portions of Adam "The Disposal" Richman.

Honestly, I think he's tied as the best cable tv show host with Mike Rowe - and that's tough to say because Mike Rowe is about as suave as it gets. I know I am leaving out such stalwarts as Bear Grylls and Alton Brown, but give me a choice of who I want to host a show and I'm picking A. Rich. The dude is so passionate and fired up about everything he does.

If you haven't seen the show before, here is a quick synopsis: Adam Richman is not a chef, a competitive eater, or by some accounts, a human being. He travels around to major cities across the US and takes on their "toughest eating challenge" while simultaneously allowing the viewer to catch a glimpse of other renowned chow-down spots in they city. This man has beaten the 72 ounce steak in Amarillo, the hottest wings IMAGINABLE in San Jose, and other culinary contests that will shock and awe you. Sometimes the food wins, most of the time he does. His feasting feats are what Rosie O'Donnell would refer to as "a slow Tuesday."

Quick recap: The season kicked off with Adam traveling to San Antonio, home to the Alamo and, according to the televisi-ohno camera, loads of fatties. While I cannot begin to neither speculate nor stereotype the people of San Antonio, I have been to Texas many times and fat, sweaty mouth breathers is just about the norm. For God's sake, Houston is statistically the fattest city in the country - I guess I was just expecting a little more from these folks.

During his quest for consumption, Adam's first stop was Lulu's Cafe and Bakery - the birthplace of obstructed arteries, type 2 diabeties and a three and a half pound cinnamon roll. If the over 6 feet worth of dough or the melted butter wasn't enough to clog my visceral colon, the end product put me on the negative side of nautious.

Adam's second stop was to Big Lou's pizza - home of the, yes and you are about to read this correctly, 3 and a half feet wide 30 POUND PIZZA. As the chef claimed last night, the tin looked like King Kong's Frisbee. Each piece was as tall as a newborn baby (or a fully-grown Asian man) and was loaded with every animal known to man. While I was shocked and sickened by the cinnamon roll, the pizza looked phenomenal. However, looking back, I think it was the clean waitresses and semi-decent health codes of the establishment that really made this meal attractive. Call me old-fashioned, but I am used to our local Pizza Hut waitress's cigarette ashes falling on my pie as she serves me - this occurs immediately after she doesn't wash her hands after using the stand-up urinal.

Adam's final stop of the evening was to Chunky's Burgers, a rather Texas-esque eatery that serves the "hottest burger in the West." Simply put, the 4 Horsemen Challenge.

Arn Anderson has somethin spiiiiiceeeaay for ya!

The 1/2 pound burger is a 100% all beef monster topped with jalepenos, serranos (Yo bartender! Jobu needs a refill), habaneros and the world's hottest, the Naga Jolokia (or Ghost Chili) - a pepper nearly 4 times as hot as the habanero. It's then smothered with cheese and doused with habanero sauce; a combination which no public-restroom janitor wants to clean up after. The rules are simple: you have 25 minutes to eat the burger (they gave him plastic surgical gloves to avoid the damage it could do to your hands) and then you have to endure 5 grueling minutes of "after burn" - no napkins, milk, beer, popsicles, or personal relief. Out of the over 100 nutcases who have attempted it, only three have ever accomplished it. To put it into perspective. It took Adam almost 7 minutes to take his second bite. It was nearly uncomfortable to watch him double over, barely able to breath, barely making an impact. For the record, Paris Hilton is a vegetarian and she takes way more beef than that in her first mouthful.

Thankfully, Adam is able to muster through and finish the burger, a feat which he later described as "the most excruciatingly painful challenge he has ever taken."

Better have those moist towlettes ready...for wiping.

Overall, Adam Richman is a far better man than most of us. He has an insanely cool gig, eats some of the best food in America and is generally funny (his subtle, underhanded humor is well played). I wonder if whatever comes out of Adam's ass burns half as bad as whatever is going into Robert Patterson's...

Til next time...SEEYAH!

What is making me laugh today: http://funnyvideos.todaysbigthing.com/2009/07/29