Number 25 - The University of Tulsa
Popularly known as "The Smallest School in the BCS," Tulsa makes up for it's small student population with big initiatives. Last year, the University got a "D+" ranking on its Sustainable College Report card for its carbon footprint. UGGGH. As a general reference point, the Fresh Kills Landfill, which you can see from space, got a C- and it's full broken tvs, shit-filled diapers and Jersey Girls (referred in some circles as "trash"). Ok, I'm just kidding Jersey girls, you're not trash - trash gets picked up.
I digress.
Needless to say, this school is dirtier than a 3 dollar hooker drinking a 2 dollar beer at a 1 dollar slot machine.
And even though this school has the apparent cleanliness of Snookie's fartbox, one can't help admire it's "Little Engine That Could" fighting spirit, working to compete against in-state rivals like Oklahoma and Oklahoma State (see, "Where Hot chicks in Oklahoma go to School"). It's competitive nature and never-give-up valiant spirit is personified in it's mascot. I present to you, Captain Cane!
Why are their always bees following me around?
HOLY TESTICLE TUESDAY. I'm not shitting you folks, when I first saw this creature I about had a conniption. What fucking wagon trail rolled over the coonskin-covered gourd of the university hillbilly that crafted this ass clown. Let's start with the obvious facts that make Captain 'Cain such a menacing figure:
- There are no hurricanes anywhere near Tulsa. That is, unless you count Michael Irvin, who's weekly romantic news stories of drug possession and women-whipping touch all of our hearts on a daily basis.
- This mascots head is made of a wheel of cheese/Dairy Queen ice cream treat/stack of pancakes/Kirstie Alley's thighs
- Captain Cane has the potbelly of a middle-aged , Taco Bell slugging truck-driver and the droopy, tender skin that reminds me of GILF's I see daily
- He is wearing what appears to be the tighest pair of nut-huggers this side of Bill Clinton's closet
- His clammy, fire-singed hands are tightly swaddled in murderous blue OJ gloves
- Prancing ensues after he tightens the laces of his circa 1999 Adidas Superstars
- Bonus: He brings $5 dollar footlongs to the sidelines.
Overall, I'd say that this guy is about as off-putting as Roger Ebert's voicebox. Couldn't you at least give the man a full head, Tulsa? Where budget cuts really that tough? Were you too busy investing money into your coal-burning, Aerosol plant that you forgot the things that really matter? Evidently so. In finally realizing it's mistake only this last year, the school commissioned Tommy, Billy and the rest of the racially-insensitive Power Rangers (Get it? The Black Ranger? Black. The Yellow Ranger? Chicken.) to design what they believed Zordon would have created after a month long trip to Guantanamo while on mescaline.
Power Rangers morphing action!
What do you meeeeean my shoes need to be checked at baggage claim!
"And just when I think you couldn't be any stupider, you go and do something like this...AND TOTALLY REDEEM THIS BLOG!" Where do we begin with Captain Cain v. 2.0? Apparently, this fuckin' guy is about 9 feet tall, carries a sword he stole from a 16 year-old Korean boy and wears leather boxes on his feet. Couple that with the fact that he looks remarkably like The King's questionably gay, crime-fighting brother and his striking resemblance to the mutant offspring of Domino's "The Noid" and former NBA space-taker-upper Gheorghe Muresan and you have a vomit-inducing trainwreck that prowls the sidelines only to let women touch his spongey-spandex covered abs. While we're at it, why don't we throw a black-light poster swirl on his chest and call it a day. Go Go Power Flamer!
Why don't we all just say out loud what we are thinking at this very moment: "Scarlett Johansen, did you bring enough boobies for the rest of the class?" Not what you're thinking? Ok then party-poopers: "What the HELL ARE YOU THINKING, TULSA!" Better?
Until next time...Seeyah!
What I'm laughing at right now: Getting It In the Can
