Number 27

Number 27 - Whittier College

Founded in 1887 by The Religious Society of Friends (Quakers for your irreligious scoffers), this school exists today as the safety school for those lame-ass Cali bros who hit the long board and gravity bong too much in High School to get in any school that people will hire you out of. Whittier is set up much like any Harry Potter-esque institution would be; rather than fraternities or sororities, they have a multitude of secret societies with totally non-nerdy names such as The Orthogonian Society, The Sachsen Society or my favorite, The Arthurian Order of the Knights of Pendragon. I had to pull the sword from the stone to get these pictures, but here, here and here are photos of this very secret society's most popular members. The only alumni worth noting is none other than Tricky Dick Nixon himself, which again, is a very tell-tale sign of the type of high-class, ethical, morally-conscious, non-losers that accept their admissions letter along with a "pre-approved Capital One Credit Card" and "Free penis enlargement formula" spam mail. The rest of their alumni have gone on to do great things in society, such as fixing nasty potholes on the 57 Freeway, frying amazing animal-style double-doubles and best of all, "gettin loads" dropped on them by Nick Manning in some beat-up, one-story in Chatsworth.

In terms of intercollegiate athletics, Whittier fields half as many sports as my high-school and competes in the SCIAC, a league made up of other foo-foo colleges where kids drive BMW's and cry when they masturbate. They have been pretty competitive over the years in both football and "lax" but are not known for their athletic prowess. However, the point of this diatribe is not to comment on what a dump of an overall school this is (although its still fun to trash) but to show everyone what emblem they chose to emblazon the front of jerseys, the sides of helmets and the ass-cheeks of the drunk, bet-losers on their campus. Ladies, gentlemen, labradoodles and Canadians, I present the Poet:

All the guys at the Manhole love the size of my pen

You would figure that a school founded upon the time-old tradition of Quaker Oatmeal would naturally showcase some beefed up farmer or bricklayer, maybe even a rugged housebuilder, putting their pride in the hundreds of years of hard work that built them their religion and a reputation for satisfying breakfasts everywhere. What they chose instead was to honor of the memory of John Greenleaf Whittier, a man who has the name of a serial killer and the stare of a convicted child molester. I actually think a photo of a bearded baby-banger would have been more terrifying than the piece of shit they came up with. I mean look at this thing! I love his Barry Melrose mini-mullet, constipated face, his Mickey Mouse sized hands and gloves, his giant cleated, Puritan-style buckle shoes (for when they play those pesky Presbyterians in English rules football!) with no socks (unsanity, as it can create corns and the gout) and couple all this with an outfit that is every shade of purple but straight. My favorite touch may be that he is prancing off to "battle" with a giant pen and book rather than a sword and shield. Ahh, I see what you're doing here, with your subconscious symbolism. Well I am going to tell you something right now Whittier College. Give that man a sword, shield, suit of armor, Panzer tank and he will still cry from his boyfriend's bitchslap.

The school's next move was to create an anthropomorphic version of this silly little bastard and let him roll around the sidelines of whatever LARP Game or World of Warcraft LAN party was currently happening on campus.

Tri-tip hat with douchey feather accent courtesy of Ed Hardy

Whaaaa-whaa-whhhaaat? Let's continue down this sad and lonesome road by building a mascot out of brown Zubaz pants and purple slippers while giving him a giant armful of balloons for him to pass around to all the cute boys in the class but none of the icky girls. That smile is just asking for Kimbo Slice to pop out of whatever dumpster he is sleeping behind and punch him right between googly, crossed eyes. I'm glad to see that they are spending University funds to hire an athletic director who apparently huffs airplane glue out of gym socks during the "slow, intimate moments" between huffing Freon from plastic grocery bags. Uh-maze-ing.

In a last ditch attempt to rectify their mistakes (and rectums) the school chose to recreate their mascot and enter the modern century, ones where Quakers shun them and 99% of California doesn't even realize that this is a college in their state.

Come to me little one. Yessssss...that's it...don't be scared...

So let's recap. We went from child-molester (original namesake) to awkward moron (purple cleats) to giant-headed mongoloid (fruity pants above) to this child-molester (completing the circle of life). This guy looks like someone's creepy uncle with a man-tan in a Halloween costume and at that point of drunkenness where the next one will cause him to 1) puke and fall over or b) sing "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond until he is thrown out of the party and into a drainage ditch.

As you have seen, this college simply cannot get it right, no matter how many times they try. They should just go with the Quaker Oats man holding a bowl of delicious Banana Nut Bread oatmeal and allow everyone to find respect for them for their respect of the food pyramid. Lucky for us and our senses of humor, they will continue to exists as the Poets and produce failed writers, actors and crystal meth addicts all over greater Los Angeles.


Until next time...Seeyah!


What I'm laughing at right now: Eric Cartman singing "Pokerface."

Number 28

Number 28: Florida A&M University (FAMU)

Located in historic Talahassee, Florida (additional home of hot girls with the clap), FAMU is a historically black university and in 2006 was named as the number one college for African-Americans in the United States. What is not to love about being in lovely, sunshine-filled Florida, only a few miles from Spring Break central, surrounded by your closest brethren and only a few hundred yards from truckloads of little white girls trying to get back at their dads? JACKPOT! One of my most legendary friends, "Brock Samson," attended FAMU and spent many a nights over a cold beer describing the epic madness that ensued during his reign of terror there. To be perfectly honest (and even more naive), I incorrectly imagined that most black campuses are an exact representation of everything I saw in the based-on-true-events of the Academy-Award winning "Drumline" and "Stomp the Yard." Why shouldn't it be true, damnit? If I wouldn't be looked at as such a a pariah, I would do stomp-steps in unison with my friends to and from every class. That shit sounds dy-no-mite!

In coming up with a mascot, University officials chose the rattlesnake, a particularly unfriendly and unsafe animal that shows toughness and tenacity. However, it appears as though the mascot was created on a broken computer screen while people were zeeked on acid, hence the weird green/orange/gold color scheme. I guess this could be construed as "unique" and "da shizznit," if the school was looking to stand out from others that used the snake as a mascot. I honestly would have been down like a clown Charlie Brown if they had just stuck with this ferocious little bitch as their main digs - instead, they created an entity so unterrifying and laughable that my sides split from laughter when I first saw it:

If I didn't know better, I would think that these kids made this for a class project

Ohhh! Ahhh! Don't go near its cage Donny! Opponents beware: our mascot wears an ill-fitting baby's bib, has a shiny velour tongue, two rounded hillbilly teeth, a Swahili warrior neck, alien mandible hands that look like they were accidentally caught in the tills of some archaic farm machine, a giant orange diamond necklace? and ONE FUCKING EYEBALL! Also, it's important to note that the scariest thing about this is the fact that its a G-I-N-G-E-R snake, which we all understand to be soulless and looking to feast on the flesh of the living. Immediately after this photo was taken, this poor snake attempted to eat these two young, spirited lads. What actually occurred was six straight hours of velvet-tongue tickling and gumming his food like any dentured grandfather trying to eat a porterhouse. I hope this snake likes the taste of piss - because if he was trying to eat me I'd wet myself with laughter!

I couldn't write a better caption

This has got to be, to even the slightest of sports fans, one of the least threatening things on planet Earth. I like how the Rattler's girlfriend (or main bitch) is a candid representation of everything described above, but with the "i lost so much weight now my skin sags" legs and a pony tail that looks like it was made with the hair from an actual pony. Gross. Even the cop in the back is thinking "what the fuck is this?"

Sean John really blew this one

What adds insult to pure injury is this: not only do they have reptilian Rainmen aimlessly shuffling their alien-like bodies along the sideline, body-snatching and gum-fucking small children, but they showcase their football team (who is rather good in the MEAC if I do say so myself) in the most horrendous jerseys in any sport, in any time period on any planet. Even a band of wondering Gypsies or Cirque de Soleil performers would spit in the general direction of such tacky and ugly green and orange atrocities. Wearing these is like a war crime against humanity.

In the end, I have to showcase my mad love for Brock and his school, which he described to me as one of the most awesome places in America. Sure, if I went there I'd stick out worse than Rosie O'Donnel's FUPA, but I can't help wonder how all of the FAMU folks have been mum about this issue for so long. Where is angry Jesse Jackson when you need him!

Until next time...Seeyah!

What I'm laughing at right now: All you need to know about beards - WEIRD.

Number 29

Number 29: Providence College


Not to be confused with the perennial powerhouse Providence University in Shalu, Tawain, this parochial college of confused ex-alter boys is located in the heart of Providence, Rhode Island and seems to be as cool as a sack full of penises. PU (get it) is the only school in America still to be administered and ran by the Domican Order of Friars - and to be clear, that would be this type of friar and not this kind. For a long time the school consisted of only male students (and priests? sounds like a troublesome combination) but has since allowed short-haired, face-shaving, power-cleaning women to "diversify" their student body. LOVELY. It is important to note that apparently the Friars that run the school also love morning pastries and hot coffee, seeing as they named their basketball area the Dunkin' Donuts Center. This limited research is enough to make me wretch - however, it is their mascot that really let's 'ole PU earn its keep as #29 on my highly-touted, often imitated but never duplicated list of fantastically bad mascots.



The school decided that it needed a "tough" looking mascot to showcase the badass nature of the Friars. Apparently, this logo has Tibetan Monks and Mormons shaking in their respective sandals and Jesus Jammies. This is what they came up with:

Would you kids like some candy?

Nothing says unadulterated terror like some steely-jawed, hooded, child-molester that drives the dagger of athletic fear into the hearts of opponents. If this were a real life person, he would be the kind of guy that wears a trench coat with nothing underneath and drives an unmarked, white, windowless van and loiters outside of elementary schools with a pack of Starburst hanging out of the zipper of his pants. He could also be every seedy, D-level character actor who appears out of the dingy depths of some bar corner to deliver ominous news at a crucial, foreboding point of the movie, only to be publicly warded off because of his senile nature. Either way, this logo is more of a threat to "stay away from strangers" than to "play good defense!" Apparently the head of the Friars decided it would be a sound investment to create a real life version of their mascot (thought: why couldn't they just get one of the Friars that works there to do this?). Out came this hideous demon baby, which if born in the land of Sparta, would have been thrown over a cliff before it could even open its evil spawn jaws.

I poopsed my robes. YAAHHAAAY!

Apparently they commissioned this work to someone who had never SEEN the logo and who's only available fabric to work with was a leftover wrestling mat, Danny Devito's hairpiece, black electrical tape, used hotel sheets and Bert and Ernie parts. Couple that with Betsy Ross's original sewing machine in a dimly-lit basement and out comes the mentally-crippled, man-child brother of the Friar logo, who looks like he lives in an attic and eats fish heads and Micro Machine toys all day. What is not to not to love about this creature? The Lloyd Christmas haircut? The skin-grafted hands and fists? How about the slack-jawed look of complete dumbfoundness that he cannot still believe someone let him out of his adult diapers to roam a sideline and be the mascot for an ACTUAL school? This is the kind of person, if real, that would be chained in a chair in a leaky basement, shunned publically from the rest of his somewhat normal and decent family. Honestly, the rouge blush they put on his rather shapely cheekbones really enhances the overall menace of the entire package. Peee Yewww! In the end, Providence should be excited that they didn't rank higher on this list. Lucky for them, they are just the tip of the proverbial iceberg of crap.


I will keep working on getting these posted faster - my travel schedule and sickness is killing me right now but keep the faith young disciples!

Until next time...Seeyah!


What I'm laughing at right now: Jabba the Hut as a youth.

Number 30

Here we go folks! The much anticipated day of arrival for the start of "The Worst 30 College Mascots in America" has finally arrived. Many of you were lead to believe that thousands of people packed the mean streets of Chicago yesterday hoping to see if the Summer Olympics would return to US soil. Unfortunately, those people left disappointed because of one reason: my blog was not posted early enough. Sorry Chicago-land readers, your time will come.

As a part of this project, I will not only attempt to verbally-cripple these schools with uninhibited bashing and candid wordplay, but I will also try to give you, my devoted follower, a chance to understand the school itself. I will not only link all schools to their Wiki page but pull a snapshot off for you to understand the institution you a cackling about. As an example, I bet you wouldn't have believed sports play-by-play commentator Marv Albert would be so awesome if you didn't first know that he was arrested wearing a woman's underpants and a ballgag in a hotel room! Dated topical humor, I know, but digging for the truth is what makes me the top CSI (Collegiate Sports Investigator) in the business.

Number 30: Wilkes University /Nichols College Colonels

Wilkes University

Originally established as a satellite school to Bucknell University (or, one of the frattiest schools of all time) Wilkes University has spent the last few years trying to build its reputation and establish itself as more than just a former junior college (i.e High School with ashtrays). They recently built an outstanding facility in that not only serves as as the school's communications center, but also houses the registrar, bursar, indoor track and and a ropes course! All they need is a Dunkin' Doughnuts, BW3's and a strip club and you have the best all-inclusive spring break destination money can buy! Seriously though, nothing says efficiency like scheduling your classes and paying your tuition while yogging a mile and cold-calling alumni. As part of their new Vision 2010 plan, they are aiming to start a Law School. This building will more than likely also have the office of the Provost, a Meineke car care center, child day care, a dog-grooming facility and a funeral home parlor located in it as well. Congrats to all the future lawyers that will be representing such dynamic cases as "my coffee was too hot and it burned my mouth so I'm suing McDonalds" and "my dad told me I'm fat and it caused weight gain so I'm divorcing my parents."


When the school changed over from a JC, it decided to name itself after this goon: a cross-eyed, receding-hairlined, "WTF am I pointing at?" English-radical politician John Wilkes. Nothing says "FEAR US!" like a nancy-Englishman in a frilly lace cravat. The dames however, still argue said that it wasn't the size of his quill that mattered- it was the way he used it.

John Wilkes - first wedgie recipient on record

After sitting down to factor in all of the strengths of John Wilkes, the University unveiled The Colonel, an identical replica of what many believed John Wilkes looked like when he got very angry. According to many townsfolk of the time-period, "You wouldn't like John when he was angry!"

The final product was abomination: a mongoloid man-beast, complete with a stealth bomber-shaped noggin-cover, a plastic "you're too fat to be on the team!" wrestling suit, a yellow necktie thing and white Michael Jackson gloves. It's also important to note the lettering on the shirt which was looks like it was created with the very first font ever loaded on the very first PC.

Nothing, however, says menacing like the smurf-blue, "I'm trying to shit so hard I'm about to pass out face" with the giant Urijah Faber ass-chin and inquisitive eyebrow (Hmmm, I wonder if I should use one or two-ply?) This entire thing, from the paper mache hat to the "my insides are frying" trash-bag suit is equal parts hideous and fascinating. It's like watching two fat girls fight.

I think that pot roast I ate is coming out sideways!

I found this online just so you have some idea of how goofy and ridiculous this whole concept actually is. Notice the other kids in the class who are like "you have got to be effing kidding me right now." I also like how their "grand" celebration comes complete with a Home-Depot bought Rubbermaid tub full of 3 handfuls of confetti.

Overall, this place is just God-awful in every respect and when they had their chance to really build a name for themselves from scratch they went and dug themselves an early grave. Cheerio!




Nicholls State University

Nicholls State University, or "The Harvard of the Bayou" is ironically enough another JC that made the leap to University status in the 50's. Located deeeeep in Cajun Country, this school's main product is the ravenous, flesh-eating vampires that you see in TrueBlood.

Not much is known about this school, especially considering their Wikipedia page has fewer words than a Dr. Seuss book. In actuality, I work with not one, but TWO men who graduated from 'ole NSU! It turns out they they are actually cool and have yet to attempt a shot at my jugular.

As with Wilkes University, Nicholls chose the Colonel as its namesake. In 2004, the original Colonel of NSU was retired after NAACP leaders organized an uproar as to its appropriateness in modern culture. Wait, you mean that the 17% of black students at NSU in DEEP Louisiana don't find this comforting? Come on! What is not to love to about a perfect genetic splice of a Team America:World Police character and Robert E. Lee?

No I'm not Colonel Sanders you jackass! I only like white meat.

Instead of dealing with a mascot controversy that maligned the campus for many years, the University decided spent $30,000 rebranding the University logo to be tougher, meaner and show how much attitude Thibodaux, LA really has. What came next was something that you have to actually see to believe.

Du hast mich.

So let me get this completely straight. Nicholls State went from an offensively portrayed white plantation owner to a soldier in Hitler's Third Reich? Unbelieveable. What about this logo doesn't scream genocide. This could have been proposed for Russia's Red Army and would have been too much but it somehow made sense for a small college in the Bayou? Many students have shown public outrage for Col. Tillou, named for the university's founder, former Louisiana governor and Confederate officer Francis Redding Tillou Nicholls. If bonus points for going beyond the call of stupidity could be given, NSU would be given an endless supply for their seamless intregration of their Confederate heritage with Nazi symbolism. Could you seriously put any worse things together? What's next? Sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads?


Overall, these two schools blew it up and down the field. This is the only tie on my countdown and is valid because at two University's sad attempts at the same mascot. If this intrigues you, pass it along. The more visitors I have, the more I know that people are laughing.


Until next time...Seeyah!


What I am laughing at right now: This is a video of a dog who cannot roll over. Hysterical and sad.