Number 29

Number 29: Providence College


Not to be confused with the perennial powerhouse Providence University in Shalu, Tawain, this parochial college of confused ex-alter boys is located in the heart of Providence, Rhode Island and seems to be as cool as a sack full of penises. PU (get it) is the only school in America still to be administered and ran by the Domican Order of Friars - and to be clear, that would be this type of friar and not this kind. For a long time the school consisted of only male students (and priests? sounds like a troublesome combination) but has since allowed short-haired, face-shaving, power-cleaning women to "diversify" their student body. LOVELY. It is important to note that apparently the Friars that run the school also love morning pastries and hot coffee, seeing as they named their basketball area the Dunkin' Donuts Center. This limited research is enough to make me wretch - however, it is their mascot that really let's 'ole PU earn its keep as #29 on my highly-touted, often imitated but never duplicated list of fantastically bad mascots.



The school decided that it needed a "tough" looking mascot to showcase the badass nature of the Friars. Apparently, this logo has Tibetan Monks and Mormons shaking in their respective sandals and Jesus Jammies. This is what they came up with:

Would you kids like some candy?

Nothing says unadulterated terror like some steely-jawed, hooded, child-molester that drives the dagger of athletic fear into the hearts of opponents. If this were a real life person, he would be the kind of guy that wears a trench coat with nothing underneath and drives an unmarked, white, windowless van and loiters outside of elementary schools with a pack of Starburst hanging out of the zipper of his pants. He could also be every seedy, D-level character actor who appears out of the dingy depths of some bar corner to deliver ominous news at a crucial, foreboding point of the movie, only to be publicly warded off because of his senile nature. Either way, this logo is more of a threat to "stay away from strangers" than to "play good defense!" Apparently the head of the Friars decided it would be a sound investment to create a real life version of their mascot (thought: why couldn't they just get one of the Friars that works there to do this?). Out came this hideous demon baby, which if born in the land of Sparta, would have been thrown over a cliff before it could even open its evil spawn jaws.

I poopsed my robes. YAAHHAAAY!

Apparently they commissioned this work to someone who had never SEEN the logo and who's only available fabric to work with was a leftover wrestling mat, Danny Devito's hairpiece, black electrical tape, used hotel sheets and Bert and Ernie parts. Couple that with Betsy Ross's original sewing machine in a dimly-lit basement and out comes the mentally-crippled, man-child brother of the Friar logo, who looks like he lives in an attic and eats fish heads and Micro Machine toys all day. What is not to not to love about this creature? The Lloyd Christmas haircut? The skin-grafted hands and fists? How about the slack-jawed look of complete dumbfoundness that he cannot still believe someone let him out of his adult diapers to roam a sideline and be the mascot for an ACTUAL school? This is the kind of person, if real, that would be chained in a chair in a leaky basement, shunned publically from the rest of his somewhat normal and decent family. Honestly, the rouge blush they put on his rather shapely cheekbones really enhances the overall menace of the entire package. Peee Yewww! In the end, Providence should be excited that they didn't rank higher on this list. Lucky for them, they are just the tip of the proverbial iceberg of crap.


I will keep working on getting these posted faster - my travel schedule and sickness is killing me right now but keep the faith young disciples!

Until next time...Seeyah!


What I'm laughing at right now: Jabba the Hut as a youth.