Number 28

Number 28: Florida A&M University (FAMU)

Located in historic Talahassee, Florida (additional home of hot girls with the clap), FAMU is a historically black university and in 2006 was named as the number one college for African-Americans in the United States. What is not to love about being in lovely, sunshine-filled Florida, only a few miles from Spring Break central, surrounded by your closest brethren and only a few hundred yards from truckloads of little white girls trying to get back at their dads? JACKPOT! One of my most legendary friends, "Brock Samson," attended FAMU and spent many a nights over a cold beer describing the epic madness that ensued during his reign of terror there. To be perfectly honest (and even more naive), I incorrectly imagined that most black campuses are an exact representation of everything I saw in the based-on-true-events of the Academy-Award winning "Drumline" and "Stomp the Yard." Why shouldn't it be true, damnit? If I wouldn't be looked at as such a a pariah, I would do stomp-steps in unison with my friends to and from every class. That shit sounds dy-no-mite!

In coming up with a mascot, University officials chose the rattlesnake, a particularly unfriendly and unsafe animal that shows toughness and tenacity. However, it appears as though the mascot was created on a broken computer screen while people were zeeked on acid, hence the weird green/orange/gold color scheme. I guess this could be construed as "unique" and "da shizznit," if the school was looking to stand out from others that used the snake as a mascot. I honestly would have been down like a clown Charlie Brown if they had just stuck with this ferocious little bitch as their main digs - instead, they created an entity so unterrifying and laughable that my sides split from laughter when I first saw it:

If I didn't know better, I would think that these kids made this for a class project

Ohhh! Ahhh! Don't go near its cage Donny! Opponents beware: our mascot wears an ill-fitting baby's bib, has a shiny velour tongue, two rounded hillbilly teeth, a Swahili warrior neck, alien mandible hands that look like they were accidentally caught in the tills of some archaic farm machine, a giant orange diamond necklace? and ONE FUCKING EYEBALL! Also, it's important to note that the scariest thing about this is the fact that its a G-I-N-G-E-R snake, which we all understand to be soulless and looking to feast on the flesh of the living. Immediately after this photo was taken, this poor snake attempted to eat these two young, spirited lads. What actually occurred was six straight hours of velvet-tongue tickling and gumming his food like any dentured grandfather trying to eat a porterhouse. I hope this snake likes the taste of piss - because if he was trying to eat me I'd wet myself with laughter!

I couldn't write a better caption

This has got to be, to even the slightest of sports fans, one of the least threatening things on planet Earth. I like how the Rattler's girlfriend (or main bitch) is a candid representation of everything described above, but with the "i lost so much weight now my skin sags" legs and a pony tail that looks like it was made with the hair from an actual pony. Gross. Even the cop in the back is thinking "what the fuck is this?"

Sean John really blew this one

What adds insult to pure injury is this: not only do they have reptilian Rainmen aimlessly shuffling their alien-like bodies along the sideline, body-snatching and gum-fucking small children, but they showcase their football team (who is rather good in the MEAC if I do say so myself) in the most horrendous jerseys in any sport, in any time period on any planet. Even a band of wondering Gypsies or Cirque de Soleil performers would spit in the general direction of such tacky and ugly green and orange atrocities. Wearing these is like a war crime against humanity.

In the end, I have to showcase my mad love for Brock and his school, which he described to me as one of the most awesome places in America. Sure, if I went there I'd stick out worse than Rosie O'Donnel's FUPA, but I can't help wonder how all of the FAMU folks have been mum about this issue for so long. Where is angry Jesse Jackson when you need him!

Until next time...Seeyah!

What I'm laughing at right now: All you need to know about beards - WEIRD.