Number 30

Here we go folks! The much anticipated day of arrival for the start of "The Worst 30 College Mascots in America" has finally arrived. Many of you were lead to believe that thousands of people packed the mean streets of Chicago yesterday hoping to see if the Summer Olympics would return to US soil. Unfortunately, those people left disappointed because of one reason: my blog was not posted early enough. Sorry Chicago-land readers, your time will come.

As a part of this project, I will not only attempt to verbally-cripple these schools with uninhibited bashing and candid wordplay, but I will also try to give you, my devoted follower, a chance to understand the school itself. I will not only link all schools to their Wiki page but pull a snapshot off for you to understand the institution you a cackling about. As an example, I bet you wouldn't have believed sports play-by-play commentator Marv Albert would be so awesome if you didn't first know that he was arrested wearing a woman's underpants and a ballgag in a hotel room! Dated topical humor, I know, but digging for the truth is what makes me the top CSI (Collegiate Sports Investigator) in the business.

Number 30: Wilkes University /Nichols College Colonels

Wilkes University

Originally established as a satellite school to Bucknell University (or, one of the frattiest schools of all time) Wilkes University has spent the last few years trying to build its reputation and establish itself as more than just a former junior college (i.e High School with ashtrays). They recently built an outstanding facility in that not only serves as as the school's communications center, but also houses the registrar, bursar, indoor track and and a ropes course! All they need is a Dunkin' Doughnuts, BW3's and a strip club and you have the best all-inclusive spring break destination money can buy! Seriously though, nothing says efficiency like scheduling your classes and paying your tuition while yogging a mile and cold-calling alumni. As part of their new Vision 2010 plan, they are aiming to start a Law School. This building will more than likely also have the office of the Provost, a Meineke car care center, child day care, a dog-grooming facility and a funeral home parlor located in it as well. Congrats to all the future lawyers that will be representing such dynamic cases as "my coffee was too hot and it burned my mouth so I'm suing McDonalds" and "my dad told me I'm fat and it caused weight gain so I'm divorcing my parents."


When the school changed over from a JC, it decided to name itself after this goon: a cross-eyed, receding-hairlined, "WTF am I pointing at?" English-radical politician John Wilkes. Nothing says "FEAR US!" like a nancy-Englishman in a frilly lace cravat. The dames however, still argue said that it wasn't the size of his quill that mattered- it was the way he used it.

John Wilkes - first wedgie recipient on record

After sitting down to factor in all of the strengths of John Wilkes, the University unveiled The Colonel, an identical replica of what many believed John Wilkes looked like when he got very angry. According to many townsfolk of the time-period, "You wouldn't like John when he was angry!"

The final product was abomination: a mongoloid man-beast, complete with a stealth bomber-shaped noggin-cover, a plastic "you're too fat to be on the team!" wrestling suit, a yellow necktie thing and white Michael Jackson gloves. It's also important to note the lettering on the shirt which was looks like it was created with the very first font ever loaded on the very first PC.

Nothing, however, says menacing like the smurf-blue, "I'm trying to shit so hard I'm about to pass out face" with the giant Urijah Faber ass-chin and inquisitive eyebrow (Hmmm, I wonder if I should use one or two-ply?) This entire thing, from the paper mache hat to the "my insides are frying" trash-bag suit is equal parts hideous and fascinating. It's like watching two fat girls fight.

I think that pot roast I ate is coming out sideways!

I found this online just so you have some idea of how goofy and ridiculous this whole concept actually is. Notice the other kids in the class who are like "you have got to be effing kidding me right now." I also like how their "grand" celebration comes complete with a Home-Depot bought Rubbermaid tub full of 3 handfuls of confetti.

Overall, this place is just God-awful in every respect and when they had their chance to really build a name for themselves from scratch they went and dug themselves an early grave. Cheerio!




Nicholls State University

Nicholls State University, or "The Harvard of the Bayou" is ironically enough another JC that made the leap to University status in the 50's. Located deeeeep in Cajun Country, this school's main product is the ravenous, flesh-eating vampires that you see in TrueBlood.

Not much is known about this school, especially considering their Wikipedia page has fewer words than a Dr. Seuss book. In actuality, I work with not one, but TWO men who graduated from 'ole NSU! It turns out they they are actually cool and have yet to attempt a shot at my jugular.

As with Wilkes University, Nicholls chose the Colonel as its namesake. In 2004, the original Colonel of NSU was retired after NAACP leaders organized an uproar as to its appropriateness in modern culture. Wait, you mean that the 17% of black students at NSU in DEEP Louisiana don't find this comforting? Come on! What is not to love to about a perfect genetic splice of a Team America:World Police character and Robert E. Lee?

No I'm not Colonel Sanders you jackass! I only like white meat.

Instead of dealing with a mascot controversy that maligned the campus for many years, the University decided spent $30,000 rebranding the University logo to be tougher, meaner and show how much attitude Thibodaux, LA really has. What came next was something that you have to actually see to believe.

Du hast mich.

So let me get this completely straight. Nicholls State went from an offensively portrayed white plantation owner to a soldier in Hitler's Third Reich? Unbelieveable. What about this logo doesn't scream genocide. This could have been proposed for Russia's Red Army and would have been too much but it somehow made sense for a small college in the Bayou? Many students have shown public outrage for Col. Tillou, named for the university's founder, former Louisiana governor and Confederate officer Francis Redding Tillou Nicholls. If bonus points for going beyond the call of stupidity could be given, NSU would be given an endless supply for their seamless intregration of their Confederate heritage with Nazi symbolism. Could you seriously put any worse things together? What's next? Sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads?


Overall, these two schools blew it up and down the field. This is the only tie on my countdown and is valid because at two University's sad attempts at the same mascot. If this intrigues you, pass it along. The more visitors I have, the more I know that people are laughing.


Until next time...Seeyah!


What I am laughing at right now: This is a video of a dog who cannot roll over. Hysterical and sad.