Jorts and the Iowa State Fair

Today was a super busy day as I started my work in Ames, Iowa. The town itself is quaint enough, offering most amenities that anyone would need - this however, does not include a Macy's. I feel almost like I am on another planet when there is not one of those stores in this entire STATE. Honestly? This is my only choice and trust me, it's about as ghetto as it gets.

So, in order to reach out and really experience all that Iowa has to offer, I made my way to the Iowa State fair this weekend. I guess I was expecting to see some outrageous things, but nothing prepared me for the endless amounts of fatties and jorts I would behold. On a side note: Iowa has a jorts pandemic - cargo, carpenter, cutoff, homemade, store-bought, Daisey Pukes, Huck Finn-ish, acid washed...you name em and people sport em. I feel like I am in 1995. I can only imagine that they will finally get hold of Von Dutch and Ed Hardy (worth clicking on) in roughly 2025.

Back up off holmes.

The Iowa State Fair

So with all of that being said, I want you to sit back and enjoy this collection of priceless photographs taken at the Iowa State Fair.

This is a crystal skull filled with Vodka. Obviously a Russian cadaver.

This has got to be the most unflattering characiture ever done. She has NO idea what is coming.

The standard muffin-top jort.


Soo...are we still talking beer?

This is the state sponsored fat-back, baby-making tent.

Apparently there is more to it than just using a shovel.

Look at the buns on that one! Yea, he must not work out.


Cher's twin rooster.

An actual best of show for goats. No, seriously.

After you have your fill of hot beef sundae, try the hot dog pie and cow heart cake.

George Washington's duck. It has a wooden beak.

I couldn't tell if this was the cowgirl or the bull.

Home of the Iowa Beefcake.

Not even willing to try this.

Shaved top with a full mullet back. This is the first thing I saw at the TICKET BOOTH.

Overall, this place was a goddamn zoo. I wandered around for hours in a walking coma brought on by deep fried Snickers bars, cheese on a stick and Jovan Musk. In the end I came to two very real conclusions:

1) Best part of the Fair: a FREE Matt Nathanson concert. The man is an absolute bad-ass
2) Worst part of the Fair: everything else


After all of it, I realized that while the Iowa State Fair was a calamity of human life, it still wasn't as great as last year's journey to the North Carolina State Fair - or, as some call it, the Seventh Circle of Hell.

Until next time...Seeyah!


What I am laughing at right now: This is one of my all-time favorites that I just rediscovered it and continue to laugh. The kid in the video is sooo great, but the cackling of the mom in the face of the child's imminent peril is outstanding. The video was taking hours to upload so here is the youtube link - checks it out!