Imminent Death for under 30k, TFLN and other Friday nonsense

Given the fact that I have sat in an office all week, I feel damn good. A lot of really funny web traffic has flown by my browser screen, I got to re-connect with close friends, my Vegas desecration trip was finalized and I started this shitty blog. Overall 6 out of 10.

A measly six out of ten you say? What could possibly make things better? Well, that list could be a potential entry in and of itself, but marks in the "upper echelon" (nines and tens) go to things like: seeing a nipple slip, free Chipotle, watching one of those cake decorators on the Food Channel drop their finished product as they move it to the showcase table, encouraging my friends leave the bar with an ugly chick and taking a dump near, or on, the moon.

Mayday!

During my morning routine of stuffing my break-face and perusing garbage Internet sites, I came across a "huge sale" for a build-it-yourself deathtrap; ahem, I mean airplane. Honestly, a REAL fly-fly! Definitely not some "hey come play with my model airplane in the park and then check out the back of my unmarked windowless van" ploy that I have fallen for once or 13 times.

For only a measly $29,980 you can guarantee your last wishes will be met in a fiery, hell-bent display of twisted shrapnel and total hilarity! Even those DeVry engineers working at Airbus can't promise that! The plane is loaded with all of the standard features to get you off the ground but none that will help you in case you strike a small bird (check, ANYTHING) or cruise about 400 feet. The package contains no usable floatation devices, oxygen masks, seat cushions that double as rafts, inflatable life boats, flashing homing beacons, stewardesses to comfort you during rocky turbulence or 95 pound Peruvian grandmothers who can't speak English yet seem to sit in the exit row of every flight I am on. I could honestly spend 29.95 making wings out of particle board and have a better chance at survival leaping off a two story building. Just listen to what their spokesman, JFK Jr. has to say:

"Having to do it all over again, I'd fly coach."

TFLN

In other news, Texts From Last Night may be the funniest website on the Net right now. FML is still a great read, but no other site in the past few months has put me in so much pain from laughter/anguish/self loathing as TFLN. I think it strikes a very personal chord because I have either received or given nearly identical texts with my friends (many of whom are readers of this) and as I write I received one that said "my ass is so hairy that wiping is like smearing peanut butter through shag carpeting." Gah-ross.

As a "Happy Friday" routine that I provide to most of my close friends, I decide to pick out a select few from each day of the week. Here is a list of what I believe are some of the highlights:

(310): Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..

(248): don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag

(714): thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him

(651): You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.

(337): They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.

(631): I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick

(443): Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
(757): your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.

(917): She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic

(208): Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"

(404): He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.

(902): Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.

(516): You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers

(972): Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?

(630): I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid

(918): Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
(305): Its worth a shot.

(423): i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.

(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba" - best of the week!

(720): have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?

(714): he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday

(978): You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled "whats up with this guy?"

Friday Nonsense

With the weekend now upon me, I am debating trying to do weekend updates. I feel like if I don't then what is the point of this blog; however, if I make the effort, people will expect it of me. The quality of my writing may naturally decrease with how many beers I consume during said weekend. However, that could lead to the start of "Blogs from Last Night." - I really am a trailblazer.

Anyway, here is what I am laughing at right now. This video is of Delonte West, shooting guard for the Cleveland Cavs. This self-made video was filmed while Delonte and his counsin waited 18 minutes for their KFC. Apparently, these are good spirited and calm men. First off, I only eat KFC at gunpoint. Secondly, if I had to wait for KFC for that long I'd either be completely unconscious and unable to loudly bitch or I would find the next living decedent of Colonel Sanders and angrily fist her (if it's a him I'd just continue to bitch loudly).

Until next time....Seeyah!