Number 25

Number 25 - The University of Tulsa

The University of Tulsa, located in some town you never want to find yourself in, is a school originally founded as the Presbyterian School for Indian Girls in 1882. Original classes included arithmetic, bow hunting, game trapping, bear tracking, basket weaving and ceremonial headdress construction management. After many of these inaugural students flunked out due to alcoholism and the burgeoning casino and blanket-sales businesses, the school decided to allow lil white girls in. It remained this way until 1920 when the first group of white male settlers came to pillage the anuses, I mean "dining halls" of their female counterparts all over campus.

Popularly known as "The Smallest School in the BCS," Tulsa makes up for it's small student population with big initiatives. Last year, the University got a "D+" ranking on its Sustainable College Report card for its carbon footprint. UGGGH. As a general reference point, the Fresh Kills Landfill, which you can see from space, got a C- and it's full broken tvs, shit-filled diapers and Jersey Girls (referred in some circles as "trash"). Ok, I'm just kidding Jersey girls, you're not trash - trash gets picked up.

I digress.

Needless to say, this school is dirtier than a 3 dollar hooker drinking a 2 dollar beer at a 1 dollar slot machine.

And even though this school has the apparent cleanliness of Snookie's fartbox, one can't help admire it's "Little Engine That Could" fighting spirit, working to compete against in-state rivals like Oklahoma and Oklahoma State (see, "Where Hot chicks in Oklahoma go to School"). It's competitive nature and never-give-up valiant spirit is personified in it's mascot. I present to you, Captain Cane!

Why are their always bees following me around?

HOLY TESTICLE TUESDAY. I'm not shitting you folks, when I first saw this creature I about had a conniption. What fucking wagon trail rolled over the coonskin-covered gourd of the university hillbilly that crafted this ass clown. Let's start with the obvious facts that make Captain 'Cain such a menacing figure:

• There are no hurricanes anywhere near Tulsa. That is, unless you count Michael Irvin, who's weekly romantic news stories of drug possession and women-whipping touch all of our hearts on a daily basis.
• This mascots head is made of a wheel of cheese/Dairy Queen ice cream treat/stack of pancakes/Kirstie Alley's thighs
• Captain Cane has the potbelly of a middle-aged , Taco Bell slugging truck-driver and the droopy, tender skin that reminds me of GILF's I see daily
• He is wearing what appears to be the tighest pair of nut-huggers this side of Bill Clinton's closet
• His clammy, fire-singed hands are tightly swaddled in murderous blue OJ gloves
• Prancing ensues after he tightens the laces of his circa 1999 Adidas Superstars
• Bonus: He brings $5 dollar footlongs to the sidelines.

Overall, I'd say that this guy is about as off-putting as Roger Ebert's voicebox. Couldn't you at least give the man a full head, Tulsa? Where budget cuts really that tough? Were you too busy investing money into your coal-burning, Aerosol plant that you forgot the things that really matter? Evidently so. In finally realizing it's mistake only this last year, the school commissioned Tommy, Billy and the rest of the racially-insensitive Power Rangers (Get it? The Black Ranger? Black. The Yellow Ranger? Chicken.) to design what they believed Zordon would have created after a month long trip to Guantanamo while on mescaline.

Power Rangers morphing action! 

What do you meeeeean my shoes need to be checked at baggage claim!

"And just when I think you couldn't be any stupider, you go and do something like this...AND TOTALLY REDEEM THIS BLOG!" Where do we begin with Captain Cain v. 2.0? Apparently, this fuckin' guy is about 9 feet tall, carries a sword he stole from a 16 year-old Korean boy and wears leather boxes on his feet. Couple that with the fact that he looks remarkably like The King's questionably gay, crime-fighting brother and his striking resemblance to the mutant offspring of Domino's "The Noid" and former NBA space-taker-upper Gheorghe Muresan and you have a vomit-inducing trainwreck that prowls the sidelines only to let women touch his spongey-spandex covered abs. While we're at it, why don't we throw a black-light poster swirl on his chest and call it a day. Go Go Power Flamer!

Why don't we all just say out loud what we are thinking at this very moment: "Scarlett Johansen, did you bring enough boobies for the rest of the class?" Not what you're thinking? Ok then party-poopers: "What the HELL ARE YOU THINKING, TULSA!" Better?

Until next time...Seeyah!

What I'm laughing at right now: Getting It In the Can

Number 26

Number 26 - St. Louis University

Saint Louis University (or as the kids call it, SLU; or, as I call it, SaaayyyneeLewwwEEEUnivEEE!) was the first American insitution of higher education to be founded west of the mighty Mississippi and also the first college that everyone forgets exists west of the aforementioned river. One of the largest Jesuit schools in the nation, SLU offers a really exciting and diverse variety of activities for its students to partake in, such as following complete abstinence and learning to field dress wounds of fellow students after they are clapped in the gut by some thugs who lives within one block off any direction of campus (sorry Larry Hughes's brother). This rather humble, Jesuit campus with it's coat of arms conveying two ferrets fighting over a severed devil's head seems like the perfect place for students who didn't get into Washington University of Saint Louis to come and get a fine, deeply divine education and also minor in public speaking and linguistics, seeing as how some day they are going to have to explain to a future hiring manager why the fuck they want to Saint Louis University (Sorry Larry Hughes). Overall, the school itself seems like a perfect place to develop a minor alcohol problem and an even major dependency on fat chicks and riverboat gambling. Toot toot!

Even before such star athletes as Anthony Bonner and Dick Boushka were putting up 5 points and 2.5 boards per evening and gathering dust at the end of NBA benches, Saint Louis was an athletic powerhouse in the same way that I am a 5 foot tall Chinese female bronze-winning figure skater. The mascot, the Billiken, is a mysterious and often debated mythical creature, vague in its rise to prominence and completely absence in physical and mental actuality (I didn't steal that from the Barack Obama Wikipedia entry.) The earliest beginnings of this freakish troll/lizard/demon baby/Chupacabra/Tara-Reid looking abomination are unclear. However, historical documents from the Congressional library and Mad Magazine tell us this:

"Several details seem to be certain. Everyone agrees that the Billiken is a good-luck figure who represents "things as they ought to be." The designer of the Billiken also seems to be fact. Florence Pretz, a Missouri art teacher and illustrator, patented her "design for an image" of the jovial creature in 1908.

It's also known that the Billiken was manufactured in the early 1900s as a bank and statuette and was the national rage for about six months -- kind of that period's pet rock. During this time, the Billiken was turned into all sorts of things: dolls, marshmallow candies, metal banks, hatpins, pickle forks, belt buckles, auto hood ornaments, salt and pepper shakers and glass bottles.

That's about where the certainty ends, however.

I spared you the boring middle parts which told about the mascot being "all the rage" back in the day when life was simpler and people enjoyed stupid things like this because they had elementary school educations and lived in coal-burning houses with walls covered in lead-based paint. Either way,
the story is told that Billikens always possess cheery personalities, broad smiles and rotund bellies. As of today, no one has gone on record to discuss all the sodomy.

One last point on Billiken: To buy a Billiken gives the purchaser luck, but to have one given to you is better luck. A follow up point: To pay for a Saint Louis degree gives the student a lucky chance at fixing my air filter at Meineke's and to have a degree given to you is an unsaid but very known indication that you are, in fact, legally retarded.

 

The Billiken as seen portraying a child in "The Hills Have Eyes"

What could possibly be unlucky about a fat, balding demon with a ridged head, bat ears, man tits,  Hayden Pannettiere arms, Elephantitis feet and a face that indicates that he is shitting on a cold limestone slab? Praise be to Jesus! Apparently the luck made by most hard working Americans (opportunity meets preparation) is only gained at SLU by a quick gut buffing of this demonic effigy. PLEASENT. As they say at Saint Louis: "Ouija boards are what you use only when molesting imps and drinking blood of premature infants doesn't help you!

The school, at some point in the decades between relative irrelevance and complete obscurity decided it needed more than a bronze hobgoblin to represent its mediocre sporting teams. Alas, they came up with this horrific specter to lurp the sidelines,  snarlling its elfin fangs at opposing teams and fronting the Smashing Pumpkins on weekends.

"The world is a vampire..."

God doesn't make mistakes, but I am sure he regrets that Friday at 4:59 p.m. when he quickly rushed to put in the eyeballs of whatever degenerate mistake saw this as his or her vision for a school mascot. I don't have the slightest clue how a crossed-eyed, pig-snouted, Powder look-alike wearing my grandpa's pubes on his head and dressed in a shitty Apex 1990's sweatsuit could ever represent a school for deaf leper's (not these kind), let alone a public institution of "higher learning." Just looking at this not only doesn't bring me luck, but also makes me puke and go number 3 at the same time. It's about as fucked up as Michael J. Fox's clutch and is similar to watching Oprah button her jeans over her cake-batter belly: you just wonder how something that wretched and vulger could even be possible.

Just for comparison's sake, here is a picture of Bat Boy captured by the "Weekly World News" (which, if you must know, won the TMZ Ethics in Outstanding Journalism Seal of Distinction):

Now I'm a great investigative journalist about as much as I'm a crack-addicted, pole-dancing Eskimo, but I think I'm onto something here.  It appears as though the shifty Billiken was finally unearthed eating cat remains in a cage of any room at the Alpha Delta Pi house at SLU. That smell finally makes sense.

Let's gather our collective thoughts, shall we? It seems crazy that a school known for producing the world's best Frosty mixers and psychics could do this! But, it seems safe to say that the Billiken has, and will continue to, terrify opposing teams and the nightmares of any child who has seen it, EVER. In the end, one must hope that a good belly tickling might someday deliver a slew of bullet proof vests and bar-covered windows to all the helpless targets, slowing sauntering, unprotected, around campus each day. Until then, fire away hoodlums...just don't hit Saint Louis's OTHER main statue, the beloved St. Ignatius.

St. Ignatius practicing his "Wax On! Wax Off!" lines from the Karate Kid

Until next time...Seeyah! And DAMN! It feels good to be back!

What I'm laughing at right now: Darko Milicic goes crazy!

Number 27

Number 27 - Whittier College

Founded in 1887 by The Religious Society of Friends (Quakers for your irreligious scoffers), this school exists today as the safety school for those lame-ass Cali bros who hit the long board and gravity bong too much in High School to get in any school that people will hire you out of. Whittier is set up much like any Harry Potter-esque institution would be; rather than fraternities or sororities, they have a multitude of secret societies with totally non-nerdy names such as The Orthogonian Society, The Sachsen Society or my favorite, The Arthurian Order of the Knights of Pendragon. I had to pull the sword from the stone to get these pictures, but here, here and here are photos of this very secret society's most popular members. The only alumni worth noting is none other than Tricky Dick Nixon himself, which again, is a very tell-tale sign of the type of high-class, ethical, morally-conscious, non-losers that accept their admissions letter along with a "pre-approved Capital One Credit Card" and "Free penis enlargement formula" spam mail. The rest of their alumni have gone on to do great things in society, such as fixing nasty potholes on the 57 Freeway, frying amazing animal-style double-doubles and best of all, "gettin loads" dropped on them by Nick Manning in some beat-up, one-story in Chatsworth.

In terms of intercollegiate athletics, Whittier fields half as many sports as my high-school and competes in the SCIAC, a league made up of other foo-foo colleges where kids drive BMW's and cry when they masturbate. They have been pretty competitive over the years in both football and "lax" but are not known for their athletic prowess. However, the point of this diatribe is not to comment on what a dump of an overall school this is (although its still fun to trash) but to show everyone what emblem they chose to emblazon the front of jerseys, the sides of helmets and the ass-cheeks of the drunk, bet-losers on their campus. Ladies, gentlemen, labradoodles and Canadians, I present the Poet:

All the guys at the Manhole love the size of my pen

You would figure that a school founded upon the time-old tradition of Quaker Oatmeal would naturally showcase some beefed up farmer or bricklayer, maybe even a rugged housebuilder, putting their pride in the hundreds of years of hard work that built them their religion and a reputation for satisfying breakfasts everywhere. What they chose instead was to honor of the memory of John Greenleaf Whittier, a man who has the name of a serial killer and the stare of a convicted child molester. I actually think a photo of a bearded baby-banger would have been more terrifying than the piece of shit they came up with. I mean look at this thing! I love his Barry Melrose mini-mullet, constipated face, his Mickey Mouse sized hands and gloves, his giant cleated, Puritan-style buckle shoes (for when they play those pesky Presbyterians in English rules football!) with no socks (unsanity, as it can create corns and the gout) and couple all this with an outfit that is every shade of purple but straight. My favorite touch may be that he is prancing off to "battle" with a giant pen and book rather than a sword and shield. Ahh, I see what you're doing here, with your subconscious symbolism. Well I am going to tell you something right now Whittier College. Give that man a sword, shield, suit of armor, Panzer tank and he will still cry from his boyfriend's bitchslap.

The school's next move was to create an anthropomorphic version of this silly little bastard and let him roll around the sidelines of whatever LARP Game or World of Warcraft LAN party was currently happening on campus.

Tri-tip hat with douchey feather accent courtesy of Ed Hardy

Whaaaa-whaa-whhhaaat? Let's continue down this sad and lonesome road by building a mascot out of brown Zubaz pants and purple slippers while giving him a giant armful of balloons for him to pass around to all the cute boys in the class but none of the icky girls. That smile is just asking for Kimbo Slice to pop out of whatever dumpster he is sleeping behind and punch him right between googly, crossed eyes. I'm glad to see that they are spending University funds to hire an athletic director who apparently huffs airplane glue out of gym socks during the "slow, intimate moments" between huffing Freon from plastic grocery bags. Uh-maze-ing.

In a last ditch attempt to rectify their mistakes (and rectums) the school chose to recreate their mascot and enter the modern century, ones where Quakers shun them and 99% of California doesn't even realize that this is a college in their state.

Come to me little one. Yessssss...that's it...don't be scared...

So let's recap. We went from child-molester (original namesake) to awkward moron (purple cleats) to giant-headed mongoloid (fruity pants above) to this child-molester (completing the circle of life). This guy looks like someone's creepy uncle with a man-tan in a Halloween costume and at that point of drunkenness where the next one will cause him to 1) puke and fall over or b) sing "Sweet Caroline" by Neil Diamond until he is thrown out of the party and into a drainage ditch.

As you have seen, this college simply cannot get it right, no matter how many times they try. They should just go with the Quaker Oats man holding a bowl of delicious Banana Nut Bread oatmeal and allow everyone to find respect for them for their respect of the food pyramid. Lucky for us and our senses of humor, they will continue to exists as the Poets and produce failed writers, actors and crystal meth addicts all over greater Los Angeles.


Until next time...Seeyah!


What I'm laughing at right now: Eric Cartman singing "Pokerface."

Number 28

Number 28: Florida A&M University (FAMU)

Located in historic Talahassee, Florida (additional home of hot girls with the clap), FAMU is a historically black university and in 2006 was named as the number one college for African-Americans in the United States. What is not to love about being in lovely, sunshine-filled Florida, only a few miles from Spring Break central, surrounded by your closest brethren and only a few hundred yards from truckloads of little white girls trying to get back at their dads? JACKPOT! One of my most legendary friends, "Brock Samson," attended FAMU and spent many a nights over a cold beer describing the epic madness that ensued during his reign of terror there. To be perfectly honest (and even more naive), I incorrectly imagined that most black campuses are an exact representation of everything I saw in the based-on-true-events of the Academy-Award winning "Drumline" and "Stomp the Yard." Why shouldn't it be true, damnit? If I wouldn't be looked at as such a a pariah, I would do stomp-steps in unison with my friends to and from every class. That shit sounds dy-no-mite!

In coming up with a mascot, University officials chose the rattlesnake, a particularly unfriendly and unsafe animal that shows toughness and tenacity. However, it appears as though the mascot was created on a broken computer screen while people were zeeked on acid, hence the weird green/orange/gold color scheme. I guess this could be construed as "unique" and "da shizznit," if the school was looking to stand out from others that used the snake as a mascot. I honestly would have been down like a clown Charlie Brown if they had just stuck with this ferocious little bitch as their main digs - instead, they created an entity so unterrifying and laughable that my sides split from laughter when I first saw it:

If I didn't know better, I would think that these kids made this for a class project

Ohhh! Ahhh! Don't go near its cage Donny! Opponents beware: our mascot wears an ill-fitting baby's bib, has a shiny velour tongue, two rounded hillbilly teeth, a Swahili warrior neck, alien mandible hands that look like they were accidentally caught in the tills of some archaic farm machine, a giant orange diamond necklace? and ONE FUCKING EYEBALL! Also, it's important to note that the scariest thing about this is the fact that its a G-I-N-G-E-R snake, which we all understand to be soulless and looking to feast on the flesh of the living. Immediately after this photo was taken, this poor snake attempted to eat these two young, spirited lads. What actually occurred was six straight hours of velvet-tongue tickling and gumming his food like any dentured grandfather trying to eat a porterhouse. I hope this snake likes the taste of piss - because if he was trying to eat me I'd wet myself with laughter!

I couldn't write a better caption

This has got to be, to even the slightest of sports fans, one of the least threatening things on planet Earth. I like how the Rattler's girlfriend (or main bitch) is a candid representation of everything described above, but with the "i lost so much weight now my skin sags" legs and a pony tail that looks like it was made with the hair from an actual pony. Gross. Even the cop in the back is thinking "what the fuck is this?"

Sean John really blew this one

What adds insult to pure injury is this: not only do they have reptilian Rainmen aimlessly shuffling their alien-like bodies along the sideline, body-snatching and gum-fucking small children, but they showcase their football team (who is rather good in the MEAC if I do say so myself) in the most horrendous jerseys in any sport, in any time period on any planet. Even a band of wondering Gypsies or Cirque de Soleil performers would spit in the general direction of such tacky and ugly green and orange atrocities. Wearing these is like a war crime against humanity.

In the end, I have to showcase my mad love for Brock and his school, which he described to me as one of the most awesome places in America. Sure, if I went there I'd stick out worse than Rosie O'Donnel's FUPA, but I can't help wonder how all of the FAMU folks have been mum about this issue for so long. Where is angry Jesse Jackson when you need him!

Until next time...Seeyah!

What I'm laughing at right now: All you need to know about beards - WEIRD.

Number 29

Number 29: Providence College


Not to be confused with the perennial powerhouse Providence University in Shalu, Tawain, this parochial college of confused ex-alter boys is located in the heart of Providence, Rhode Island and seems to be as cool as a sack full of penises. PU (get it) is the only school in America still to be administered and ran by the Domican Order of Friars - and to be clear, that would be this type of friar and not this kind. For a long time the school consisted of only male students (and priests? sounds like a troublesome combination) but has since allowed short-haired, face-shaving, power-cleaning women to "diversify" their student body. LOVELY. It is important to note that apparently the Friars that run the school also love morning pastries and hot coffee, seeing as they named their basketball area the Dunkin' Donuts Center. This limited research is enough to make me wretch - however, it is their mascot that really let's 'ole PU earn its keep as #29 on my highly-touted, often imitated but never duplicated list of fantastically bad mascots.



The school decided that it needed a "tough" looking mascot to showcase the badass nature of the Friars. Apparently, this logo has Tibetan Monks and Mormons shaking in their respective sandals and Jesus Jammies. This is what they came up with:

Would you kids like some candy?

Nothing says unadulterated terror like some steely-jawed, hooded, child-molester that drives the dagger of athletic fear into the hearts of opponents. If this were a real life person, he would be the kind of guy that wears a trench coat with nothing underneath and drives an unmarked, white, windowless van and loiters outside of elementary schools with a pack of Starburst hanging out of the zipper of his pants. He could also be every seedy, D-level character actor who appears out of the dingy depths of some bar corner to deliver ominous news at a crucial, foreboding point of the movie, only to be publicly warded off because of his senile nature. Either way, this logo is more of a threat to "stay away from strangers" than to "play good defense!" Apparently the head of the Friars decided it would be a sound investment to create a real life version of their mascot (thought: why couldn't they just get one of the Friars that works there to do this?). Out came this hideous demon baby, which if born in the land of Sparta, would have been thrown over a cliff before it could even open its evil spawn jaws.

I poopsed my robes. YAAHHAAAY!

Apparently they commissioned this work to someone who had never SEEN the logo and who's only available fabric to work with was a leftover wrestling mat, Danny Devito's hairpiece, black electrical tape, used hotel sheets and Bert and Ernie parts. Couple that with Betsy Ross's original sewing machine in a dimly-lit basement and out comes the mentally-crippled, man-child brother of the Friar logo, who looks like he lives in an attic and eats fish heads and Micro Machine toys all day. What is not to not to love about this creature? The Lloyd Christmas haircut? The skin-grafted hands and fists? How about the slack-jawed look of complete dumbfoundness that he cannot still believe someone let him out of his adult diapers to roam a sideline and be the mascot for an ACTUAL school? This is the kind of person, if real, that would be chained in a chair in a leaky basement, shunned publically from the rest of his somewhat normal and decent family. Honestly, the rouge blush they put on his rather shapely cheekbones really enhances the overall menace of the entire package. Peee Yewww! In the end, Providence should be excited that they didn't rank higher on this list. Lucky for them, they are just the tip of the proverbial iceberg of crap.


I will keep working on getting these posted faster - my travel schedule and sickness is killing me right now but keep the faith young disciples!

Until next time...Seeyah!


What I'm laughing at right now: Jabba the Hut as a youth.

Number 30

Here we go folks! The much anticipated day of arrival for the start of "The Worst 30 College Mascots in America" has finally arrived. Many of you were lead to believe that thousands of people packed the mean streets of Chicago yesterday hoping to see if the Summer Olympics would return to US soil. Unfortunately, those people left disappointed because of one reason: my blog was not posted early enough. Sorry Chicago-land readers, your time will come.

As a part of this project, I will not only attempt to verbally-cripple these schools with uninhibited bashing and candid wordplay, but I will also try to give you, my devoted follower, a chance to understand the school itself. I will not only link all schools to their Wiki page but pull a snapshot off for you to understand the institution you a cackling about. As an example, I bet you wouldn't have believed sports play-by-play commentator Marv Albert would be so awesome if you didn't first know that he was arrested wearing a woman's underpants and a ballgag in a hotel room! Dated topical humor, I know, but digging for the truth is what makes me the top CSI (Collegiate Sports Investigator) in the business.

Number 30: Wilkes University /Nichols College Colonels

Wilkes University

Originally established as a satellite school to Bucknell University (or, one of the frattiest schools of all time) Wilkes University has spent the last few years trying to build its reputation and establish itself as more than just a former junior college (i.e High School with ashtrays). They recently built an outstanding facility in that not only serves as as the school's communications center, but also houses the registrar, bursar, indoor track and and a ropes course! All they need is a Dunkin' Doughnuts, BW3's and a strip club and you have the best all-inclusive spring break destination money can buy! Seriously though, nothing says efficiency like scheduling your classes and paying your tuition while yogging a mile and cold-calling alumni. As part of their new Vision 2010 plan, they are aiming to start a Law School. This building will more than likely also have the office of the Provost, a Meineke car care center, child day care, a dog-grooming facility and a funeral home parlor located in it as well. Congrats to all the future lawyers that will be representing such dynamic cases as "my coffee was too hot and it burned my mouth so I'm suing McDonalds" and "my dad told me I'm fat and it caused weight gain so I'm divorcing my parents."


When the school changed over from a JC, it decided to name itself after this goon: a cross-eyed, receding-hairlined, "WTF am I pointing at?" English-radical politician John Wilkes. Nothing says "FEAR US!" like a nancy-Englishman in a frilly lace cravat. The dames however, still argue said that it wasn't the size of his quill that mattered- it was the way he used it.

John Wilkes - first wedgie recipient on record

After sitting down to factor in all of the strengths of John Wilkes, the University unveiled The Colonel, an identical replica of what many believed John Wilkes looked like when he got very angry. According to many townsfolk of the time-period, "You wouldn't like John when he was angry!"

The final product was abomination: a mongoloid man-beast, complete with a stealth bomber-shaped noggin-cover, a plastic "you're too fat to be on the team!" wrestling suit, a yellow necktie thing and white Michael Jackson gloves. It's also important to note the lettering on the shirt which was looks like it was created with the very first font ever loaded on the very first PC.

Nothing, however, says menacing like the smurf-blue, "I'm trying to shit so hard I'm about to pass out face" with the giant Urijah Faber ass-chin and inquisitive eyebrow (Hmmm, I wonder if I should use one or two-ply?) This entire thing, from the paper mache hat to the "my insides are frying" trash-bag suit is equal parts hideous and fascinating. It's like watching two fat girls fight.

I think that pot roast I ate is coming out sideways!

I found this online just so you have some idea of how goofy and ridiculous this whole concept actually is. Notice the other kids in the class who are like "you have got to be effing kidding me right now." I also like how their "grand" celebration comes complete with a Home-Depot bought Rubbermaid tub full of 3 handfuls of confetti.

Overall, this place is just God-awful in every respect and when they had their chance to really build a name for themselves from scratch they went and dug themselves an early grave. Cheerio!




Nicholls State University

Nicholls State University, or "The Harvard of the Bayou" is ironically enough another JC that made the leap to University status in the 50's. Located deeeeep in Cajun Country, this school's main product is the ravenous, flesh-eating vampires that you see in TrueBlood.

Not much is known about this school, especially considering their Wikipedia page has fewer words than a Dr. Seuss book. In actuality, I work with not one, but TWO men who graduated from 'ole NSU! It turns out they they are actually cool and have yet to attempt a shot at my jugular.

As with Wilkes University, Nicholls chose the Colonel as its namesake. In 2004, the original Colonel of NSU was retired after NAACP leaders organized an uproar as to its appropriateness in modern culture. Wait, you mean that the 17% of black students at NSU in DEEP Louisiana don't find this comforting? Come on! What is not to love to about a perfect genetic splice of a Team America:World Police character and Robert E. Lee?

No I'm not Colonel Sanders you jackass! I only like white meat.

Instead of dealing with a mascot controversy that maligned the campus for many years, the University decided spent $30,000 rebranding the University logo to be tougher, meaner and show how much attitude Thibodaux, LA really has. What came next was something that you have to actually see to believe.

Du hast mich.

So let me get this completely straight. Nicholls State went from an offensively portrayed white plantation owner to a soldier in Hitler's Third Reich? Unbelieveable. What about this logo doesn't scream genocide. This could have been proposed for Russia's Red Army and would have been too much but it somehow made sense for a small college in the Bayou? Many students have shown public outrage for Col. Tillou, named for the university's founder, former Louisiana governor and Confederate officer Francis Redding Tillou Nicholls. If bonus points for going beyond the call of stupidity could be given, NSU would be given an endless supply for their seamless intregration of their Confederate heritage with Nazi symbolism. Could you seriously put any worse things together? What's next? Sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads?


Overall, these two schools blew it up and down the field. This is the only tie on my countdown and is valid because at two University's sad attempts at the same mascot. If this intrigues you, pass it along. The more visitors I have, the more I know that people are laughing.


Until next time...Seeyah!


What I am laughing at right now: This is a video of a dog who cannot roll over. Hysterical and sad.

Commence Operation "Mascot Countdown"

Sometimes I look at this blog project as a hugely daunting task. I am charged with finding stuff that not only appeals to my humorous side, but hopefully find a way to spin it or make it work for others as well. I wonder how stand-up comedians do it - you know, beat the pavement, rack their brains, find material in life every single day. It's tough, it truly is.

However, back in the 90's I spent some time compiling various lists of dislikes and posting them on my AIM away messages - these ranged from the worst bands of that year to the worst TV sitcoms of all time. However, since I was the creator them there were always two rules:

1) I am always right.
2) If you have any opinions/questions/disagreements/arguments/counterpoints, see Rule #1.

Soooooo (old man voice: get to the fucking point already!) I have decided that my almost narcotic-like addiction to college sports and my constant traveling of college campuses has led me to be able to write about one thing that I can truly a) fall behind with unabashed candor and knowledge and 2) allow me to constantly post every couple days. It's genius! Honestly, it's like the invention of the double-sided dildo - both parties are equally pleased.

I will spend the next period of days nay, WEEKS, counting down what I believe are the 30 Worst Mascots in all of college sports. Plenty of bloggers have attempted this already and some have had decent attempts at it. I, however, bring a level of panache and gusto to it unseen in the world of unfunny sports writers and un-sports worthy comics. I fall right in the middle. I'm a cynic and I know my ballgames. Boom goes the dynamite!

You may, in the course of this little adventure, see a school that is familiar to you OR one that you or a loved one may attend/have attended. If this is the case..SUCKS for you. Some of these schools are top-tier, mainstream institutions, prominently showcasing their mascots on "Capital One Mascot Challenges" and others are about as a cool as a fart in a spacesuit. Trust me, I spent hours doing far more research than any bloggist (or is it blogger?) has done before me. I am the Spartanburg Methodist College mascot of my genre (get it, Pioneer). And yes people, you will have to suffer through awful puns and mascot-humor, a niche solely created by me. I am also going to attempt to interview a former college mascot and get his take on what it was like to be the man inside a giant furry head.

So before I start my list of "Who should be thankful they just missed the cut," I wanted to offer some criteria on how I made up my list. Overall, I took into account a few things that worked against each of these school:

1) The overall look of the physical embodiment of the mascot. How was the character represented in real life? What is its outfit and shtick?
2) The name or nickname of the team? For example, I chose to leave UC Santa Cruz "Banana Slugs" off the list because in my opinion it is unique and kinda cool. Sure, its also weird and off-putting, but the school did well in marketing it right and creating a very likable approach to the character. However, other schools have BLOWN this area and led to their inclusion on my list.
3) The mascot logo on paper. Some schools don't have the budget to afford a costumed crusader (NOT sending my kids there) and so a 2-D fighting' representation is all we have to work with.
4) The school itself and its need for a mascot. You will see PLENTY of these.
5) The prominence and rich history of athletics at the school. HA.

This list will begin will begin with the "be thankful" souls below and count backwards from number 30 to number one. There will tears, laughs, lobotomies, appendectomies, ice cream sundays and time spent huddled around the warm glow of your computer screen with your family, slapping knees and sending genuine warm embraces for how much this blog means to the social fabric of your lives. So, without further ado I present...

Just Missed my List...

School: Western Kentucky University
Nickname: Hilltoppers
Mascot: Big Red

Big Red is one of the most popular mascots in the universe and has made countless appearances on ESPN commercials as well as his never-ending reign as a Capital One mascot participant. I will agree that he has sort of a fat-kid appeal, running around like a gelatinous hairy blob, bouncing and shaking all over. I also wonder if he is a natural redhead.

Overall, his popularity and sometimes silly gimmicks kept him out of the top 30. WKU is still a God-awful school, in a shitty town (Bowling Green, KY) and the Hilltopper is one of the worst nicknames in all of intercollegiate athletics. I got it: let's make our other official logo a hand waiving a red towel. A little less moonshine and a little more Northern marketing could go a looong way folks.

School: Syracuse University
Nickname: Orange
Mascot: Otto

I've been to Syracuse a number of times and overall it is not a cool place (sorry if you read this Susan). It's constantly cold, the campus is on a huge hill and the city itself is a crack-infested wasteland of crime and despair. Also, it's full of NYC kids who can be rude and egotistical to say the least. I do, however, respect their ability to pull decent athletes and for their ability to compete in the Big East. What I don't respect is the fact that the school changed its name from the "Orangemen" to the "Orange" to appease political activists and to include women's rights. REALLY? Women were so opposed to being an Orangeman that they picketed? This isn't suffrage people, it's a school name. Either way, you got what you wished: a nickname that is a color, a fruity mascot and the same dank, desolate, isolated campus where a sharp bottle to the kidney is more likely than a sunny day.

School: Stanford University
Nickname: Cardinal
Mascot: This tree thing

Ahhh Stanford. Top five academic institution, the US's largest collegiate endowment ($12 billion. Suck it Harvard), a picturesque campus, a sports program that has at least one national championship each of the last 16 years (record) and a laundry list of alumni. What do you do with all that brainpower, money and clout? You commission a group of blind 6 year-old Korean children to sew a giant weed bud. Also, your school name is a color and not a bird. Only in California does this seem normal.

School: South Dakota State
Nickname: Jackrabbits
Mascot: Jack Rabbit

Naming your mascot after the name of your mascot? Genius! What's smarter than that? Putting a campus in Billings, SD and expecting kids not to drink away their boredom. If any kids with sub par SAT scores looking to develop heavy dependencies on narcotics and alcohol are looking for a place to continue down the road to a career at a drive-through window, look no further.

School: Youngstown State University
Nickname: Penguins
Mascot: Pete the Penguin and his "lady of the evening"

Nothing says pure terror like Youngstown, OH. Being that I am from NE Ohio myself, this place is legendary. The old rule of thumb for traveling through Y-Town is simply this: Don't stop at stoplights or stop signs unless you want to be robbed. Seriously.

For years, Youngstown had the highest murder rate of any US city. This place makes Detroit look like Dubai. And what should I do if I am a suburban parent looking to send my son or daughter off to get a college degree? Load them with credit cards and nice clothes and send them to their slaughter. YSU was the starting spot of Jim "The Vest" Tressel and a DII football powerhouse for years. It only naturally makes sense that they chose the Penguin, the indigenous animal of NE Ohio as their mascot. Brilliant. Clad them in vests that a Polish grandmother sewed to get her family of 15 through the tough Ohio winters 55 years ago and give one the eyebrows of Eugene Levi and you have a recipe for menace and fear. You should just give them stolen semi-automatics, a bag of non-sequential, unmarked bills, matching grape-flavored chewy blunts and airbrushed Air Force Ones. I hope that all my YSU alumni friends have kept their computer from being stolen long enough to read this.

School: University of Tennesee, Chattanooga
Nickname: Mocs
Mascot: Scrappy

This is taken straight from the UT at C Wikipedia entry:

"The school's athletic teams are called the Mocs. The teams were nicknamed Moccasins until 1996. (The origin of the name is uncertain; however, Moccasin Bend is a large horseshoe-shaped bend in the Tennessee River directly below Lookout Mountain.)

The mascot has taken on four distinct forms, with a water moccasin being the mascot in the 1920s, and then a moccasin shoe (known as "The Shoe") was actually used as the school's mascot at times in the 1960s and 1970s. From the 1970s until 1996, the mascot was Chief Moccanooga, an exaggerated Cherokee tribesman.

In 1996, due to concerns over ethnic sensitivity,^[6] the Moccasins name and image were dropped in favor of the shortened "Mocs" and an anthropomorphized mockingbird named "Scrappy" dressed as a railroad engineer. The school's main athletic logo features Scrappy riding a train (a reference to Chattanooga's history as a major railroad hub and to the song "Chattanooga Choo Choo"). The mascot takes its name from former football coach A.C. "Scrappy" Moore."

So what you are telling me is that your team was named after a river, a shoe, a snake, an Indian Chief...and you decided that the best course of action was to name it after a giant chicken wearing a chefs hat riding a locomotive and taking blasts of coal exhaust to his face? I'll take Indian insensitivity and toughness over KFC any day.

School: Northern Arizona University
Nickname: Lumberjacks
Mascot: Louie the Lumberjack

Flagstaff, AZ is a pretty cool place. It's nestled in the mountains, provides great skiing opportunities, and is a tremendous getaway from the barren, grass less city of Phoenix. What people don't tell you is that the campus of NAU is situated directly between three sprawling cemeteries and has numerous effigies of giant, bearded shirtless men all over it. The mascot is essentially the incestuous, chromosome-deficient younger brother of the Brawney Paper Towel guy. He looks more like the fat, axe-wielding Dwarf Gimli from Lord of the Rings than he does a lumbering woodsman. Also, to make him even more intimidating, they dress him in MC Hammer pants and Ugg boots and arm him with a stuffed, cartoonish axe. This guy looks more like a truck-stop rest patron or a homeless man than some iconic figure that a school could rally behind.

School: Ohio Wesleyan University
Nickname: Battling Bishops
Mascot: Giant Child Molester

Why does Ohio do this to me? Honest to God this is a REAL college mascot. I mean seriously, look at this picture. Creepy, pedophile smile? Check. Innocent, "I won't tell mommy" children to feed on? Check. Parent who apparently lets her kids stay at Neverland as well? Check. What this picture doesn't include is the mascot's tear away, easy access pants, stash of "pills for fun, well-behaved boys" and key to his Econolodge room full of Transformer toys and ether. This, people, is why I am a conflicted Catholic.

School: Rose-Hulman Institute of Technology
Nickname: Fighting Engineers
Mascot: Rosie the Elephant

Located in Terre Haute, IN (widely known as one of the top meth-producing cities in America) this "party school" (joke) is widely considered one of the top engineering schools in the US (serious). What kind of student goes here? Guys that cut their underpants in high school to avoid epic wedgies and girls who have a lifetime subscription to ProActiv and Haagen-Dazs. They should just call this place "E-Harmonyland." Nothing says "be scared of us" than a tuxedo-shoe wearing, disproportionate elephant mascot with a club hand that is the iconic symbol of "the Fighting Engineers." Hopefully these nerds don't rise up and stab me to death with their protractors for writing this.

School: Long Beach State
Nickname: 49'ers/Dirtbags
Mascot: Prospector Pete

Nothing says quality education like a school located in the LBC (sing it Nate Dogg). While the schools official nickname is the 49'ers (named for the gold teeth and chains you will find there) the unofficial mascot is...the Dirtbag? Seems fitting. In order to capture that glory, the apparently commissioned a drunk, 1940's cartoonist to pen this depiction of a stubbly-armed, checker-clothed wearing, neckerchief sporting Bear. Notice the salmon pink shirt and douchey gold belt buckle with the letter "C" on it. What does that stand for? Chotch?

School: Missouri University of Science and Technology
Nickname: Miners
Mascot: Joe Miner

As the caption reads, "schedule your campus visit today!" Come to a school that took 10 years to decide on what to call their school, where our students are all athletes who weren't smart enough to play in DI and where our mascot carries a pix axe, shovel and...slide rule! Wahhh, wahhh wahahahahhhh. Note: a sliderule is used primarily for division and multiplication, BUT can also be used for roots, logarithms and trigonometry! Yeeehaw! Let's use it to multiply how many athletes have come out of the school (x) the number of awesome things that have come out of this school (x) the media attention this school gets (x) if anyone knows where this is and...who cares.

School: San Francisco University
Nickname: The Dons
Mascot: Don

Ahh, Zorro's grandfather. Glad to see Zorro's grand-mama let you out of tending to your tomato plants and community shuffleboard league long enough to emblazon your likeness on a University that allows Eddie Sutton to stumble pathetically drunk on the sidelines. If this logo was Antonio Bandares awesome then it wouldn't even crack this list. However, your butterknife sword and "I'm about to do something so bad it ends up on the news" face really put you over the edge. I think you would have been better going with this Don, this one, or this one.


As you can see, these were "worthy" contenders. However, if this list enthralled you then stay tuned as I continue ranting about the 30 Worst Collegiate Mascots in the world! Comment/share/rant back and enjoy!

Until next time...Seeyah!

What I am laughing at right now: The top 60 Ghetto names. Great stuff!